My Beloved Has a Pronounced Derriere

Here's a nineteenth-century rendition of a rap classic, with apologies to Sir Mixalot.

My Beloved Has a Pronounced Derriere

Of bottoms large the poet sings!
One cannot lie about such things:
When comes a maiden, small of waist -
A round thing there before my face -
Swiftly, up my manhood springs!

Her derierre is scarce confined
Deep within her crinoline,
Amid the trifles women wear.
I truly doubt Monsieur Daguerre
Could find a subject half as fine!

I, like a fish upon a hook,
Am caught; I cannot help but look.
And though my friends gave warnings dire
I find myself in lust's quagmire.
My heart is not the part you took!

When next we meet outside the door,
You wish to ride my coach-and-four?
By all means! Exploit my wealth!
Come aboard! I'll drink your health!
You're better than the average whore!

I've seen them as they prance and gyre.
I've seen you too; how you perspire!
I've had enough of Harper's Weekly
Telling me that Thin and Sickly
Is the shape I should desire.

Ask my groom - he'll tell the truth,
Though his accents are uncouth:
"You'll know a lady when you find her,
If her assets are behind her.
When she shakes it, there's the proof!"

I like them round. I like them ample.
While in the ballroom (for example,)
Can I suppress the bestial urge
For our bodies to converge,
And all propriety to trample?

No, I cannot! I am impure!
I want you all alone where you're
Helplessly within my clutches.
I don't want the dour old Dutchess -
All artifice is her allure!

All paint and rouge and powder-cake;
Her every curve deceitful, fake!
What care I how her satins rustle?
What I want's BENEATH the bustle!
A corset doth not beauty make.

I like them healthy - lots of meat.
You chaps can keep the slim petite:
She's cut from a common pattern
(Pigeon-toed; walks like a slattern!)
I want a more substantial treat.

A word to all the Reubenesque
Who might accede to my request:
I know the way to treat a girl.
I am a gent. I'm not a churl.
My social graces are the best.

But let me not prevaricate:
I chiefly wish to fornicate!
All through the night, into the next,
You'll be ebulliantly sexed!
Verily, it will be great.

A lot of chaps might disagree,
But other chaps are not like me.
They love but once, and run away,
While I prefer to stay and play,
And frolic on in carnal glee.

Although you might think I am proud,
The truth is, I am well-endowed.
Your torrid movements can't be missed.
Your ample charms have made my list.
Let all the men exclaim out loud!

We'll sing your praises all, my pet!
"She is the finest woman yet!
Proportion cannot be denied:
Her frame is short, her hips are wide.
And she's the best there is, you bet!"

Some ladies of the sporting kind
Take exercise - but bear in mind:
My trouser-snake's no appetite
For women who are frail and light,
And do not have a plush behind.

Some men, upon a cruel whim,
May tell you you should be more slim.
Take no heed; don't be bereft.
I'll gladly claim the prize they left!
Be mine, and pay no mind to them!

Your hips are wide; your waist is narrow.
Your figure thrills me to my marrow!
I like a lass who likes to eat;
Consider her a wondrous treat!
I feel as giddy as a sparrow!

If you've enjoyed my rhyme and measure,
And have a bottom I would treasure,
Then make all haste (and do not tarry!)
To my estate in Londonderry,
Where we'll indulge in carnal pleasure!

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Contents copyright 2011 by JW Kennedy.